So here I am, writing another late night post. Nothing new, I’m up at 3 am and can’t sleep.
I’ve found myself to be very unhappy with my life as of late. I’ve felt alone, paranoid that I’m a thorn in everybody’s side, kind of wondering if I deserve to be here, thinking to myself if anyone wants me here in the first place.
I’ve been on a dark path for most of my “adult life”, by adult life I mean my teenage years and after.
I have a rare soul, and I’ve been on a road not many people have traveled. My parents were divorced on my thirteenth birthday. My mother abused me psychologically (unknowingly) with her alcoholism. I spent many of my teenage years acting years older than I was. So as you can tell, my home life wasn’t the greatest. If it wasn’t for my little sister, I don’t know if I would of survived it.
Then of course we have what almost every teenager has. The first love, or what most of us call, the first broken heart. What sucks about what happened to me is that it could have been taken right out of movie. We dated for five years, then all of the sudden they left and started dating the person they told me not to worry about a day later.
Basically comes out of any teen drama show or movie.
Only problem is this was the first root into me developing my anxiety.
Coming to college, I wanted to get away from my home and start fresh. I wanted to go to a place that no one knew who I was, what my past was like, or anything. I wanted a fresh start. Unfortunately, you can’t run away from the past, and I found that out the hard way.
I live in a world of constant paranoia because of my past. I’m not the best socially, actually I’m terrible in social situations. My self confidence has been at an all time low. When I’m sitting my myself in a public place and I see people near me laughing, I have that voice in the back of my head constantly telling me they are laughing at me.
It’s safe to say my past broke me. What it did not do is shatter me.
I still have an opportunity to put together all the broken pieces. I still have the chance to put my life together.
Despite all that I’ve gone through, despite all that has happened, I’ve still been able to put myself in a place that I can succeed in the future.
It’s not over until you say it’s over.
It’s never to late to write a new chapter in an old book.