Do you know how I feel when I say the darkness of the sky overrules the rays of light that pierce through?
Do you know how I feel when I say every ship I sail tends to sink?
Do you know how I feel when I say I’m alone in a country of 321 million?
Do you know how I feel when I say I don’t see the black and white, all I see is grey?
If not, let me try to explain.
I’ve tried to take every opportunity to improve myself, to start living, but somehow it seems like God is screaming your sins are not forgiven.
You can’t move on, no matter how many people tell you to be strong.
Cause the pain I feel is minuscule to them. They don’t feel the knife twisting in their heart, the pain of my scars, the times of being together and now we couldn’t be further apart.
I live in misery everyday trying to improve this life that has gone in disarray, but I can’t.
Cause for me one step forward is always two steps back and my chest screams like I’m having a heart attack. It clamps up.
The anxiety is killing me from the inside out. This isn’t what life is supposed to be about. I’m over it.
You’re going to try to tell me what I want to hear, but reality is striking with my biggest fear as the weapon of mass destruction to my existence.
The ending is getting closer and closer. I’m trying to fight it and breath over and over. Trying to find somebody who’s willing to let me cry on their shoulder.
But there’s no one.
The darkness has surrounded the rest of my light and the end is coming, it’s only a matter of time.
Before you tell me to stop and think about how selfish my deed will be, you stop and think about my position.
You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night, waking every couple hours dealing with the horrors inside your head.
You’re not the one who feels alone, who looks at your phone and sees the number 0 against the word messages.
You’re not the one who feels distressed, who has no clue whats next, and can’t even get a text from those who claim to be there for you when in actuality they’re only there for themselves.
Only one person can fix this situation and his name starts with an M and ends with an E.
I promise you I will try to not let the above happen, but just in case let me leave you with this.
The darkness will always surround you, but it only takes one ray of light to shine bright and make the darkness go away.
But that’s all that can save me now. The lights glow are getting dimmer and dimmer, hour by hour. It’s only a matter of time until the rest of my light goes away.
The worst part is I wrote this for all of you and no one will see, which makes me see the above as a prophecy for the rest of my days.