Every Tear a Waterfall

Do you know how I feel when I say the darkness of the sky overrules the rays of light that pierce through?

Do you know how I feel when I say every ship I sail tends to sink?

Do you know how I feel when I say I’m alone in a country of 321 million?

Do you know how I feel when I say I don’t see the black and white, all I see is grey?

If not, let me try to explain.

I’ve tried to take every opportunity to improve myself, to start living, but somehow it seems like God is screaming your sins are not forgiven.

You can’t move on, no matter how many people tell you to be strong.

Cause the pain I feel is minuscule to them. They don’t feel the knife twisting in their heart, the pain of my scars, the times of being together and now we couldn’t be further apart.

I’m alone.

I live in misery everyday trying to improve this life that has gone in disarray, but I can’t.

Cause for me one step forward is always two steps back and my chest screams like I’m having a heart attack. It clamps up.

The anxiety is killing me from the inside out. This isn’t what life is supposed to be about. I’m over it.

You’re going to try to tell me what I want to hear, but reality is striking with my biggest fear as the weapon of mass destruction to my existence.

The ending is getting closer and closer. I’m trying to fight it and breath over and over. Trying to find somebody who’s willing to let me cry on their shoulder.

But there’s no one.

The darkness has surrounded the rest of my light and the end is coming, it’s only a matter of time.

Before you tell me to stop and think about how selfish my deed will be, you stop and think about my position.

You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night, waking every couple hours dealing with the horrors inside your head.

You’re not the one who feels alone, who looks at your phone and sees the number 0 against the word messages.

You’re not the one who feels distressed, who has no clue whats next, and can’t even get a text from those who claim to be there for you when in actuality they’re only there for themselves.

Only one person can fix this situation and his name starts with an M and ends with an E.

I promise you I will try to not let the above happen, but just in case let me leave you with this.

The darkness will always surround you, but it only takes one ray of light to shine bright and make the darkness go away.

But that’s all that can save me now. The lights glow are getting dimmer and dimmer, hour by hour. It’s only a matter of time until the rest of my light goes away.

The worst part is I wrote this for all of you and no one will see, which makes me see the above as a prophecy for the rest of my days.

 

 

 

 

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The Moments that Shape Us

It’s crazy how old sayings can apply to everyday life.

“One bad apple spoils the bunch.”

‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

“Life is funny, so smile while you still have teeth.”

 

Ok, that last one isn’t as serious, but it still applies. The saying of the day to me is “Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

Many of us struggle with the same problems, and we all try to deal with them in different, but similar ways. How we deal with these problems relies heavily on our past. Our past, no matter how much we may like or dislike it, shapes the person we become.

So when I hear people say “it’s easy, just do this” to solve a problem, it bothers me.

My story is not your story. We may have gone through similar situations, but we are two different people. More than likely, we handle our lives differently. We handle our problems, differently.

The reason I wanted to write about this is because lately I have been criticized about worrying too much. Now I realize the people who tell me this are just trying to help, but when you’ve had a past like mine, worrying is a normal response. In fact, it’s the natural response.

I’m not going to sit here behind a keyboard and pretend I’m the only one who has been through crap in there lives, that I had the worst childhood in history. There are obviously people who are off a lot worse than me.

My point in this writing is that not everyone handles the same situations the same. It’s not as easy to move on for some than others.

Get to know someone’s story before giving advice. Understand where they are coming from. Understand why they feel the way they do.  Then try to help them based off that.

Nothing can set a person more off course than good advice at the wrong time.

Answer to His Prayers

He wakes up like it’s any other work day, get dressed, skips breakfast, and goes. Nothing out of the ordinary. He sets up his workstation once clocked  in.

About ten minutes after the he finishes setting up, the first of many customers for the day come in. As a formality, the customer asks how he is. Tell him the truth and he doesn’t provide the friendly atmosphere his workplace requires, so he lies, knowing most customers aren’t going to really care about what he responds with anyway.

“I’m doing well.” he says, knowing that’s the answer they are expecting.

This goes on for the remainder of his shift. But throughout it, he can’t help but wonder what others think of him. He overhears conversations about people talking bad about others, and he can only wonder what is said about himself.

Actually this goes on throughout the day, at work, in Wal-Mart, his own apartment, literally everywhere. It’s an itch he can’t get rid off, constant thoughts running around his mind like a track.

He walks in public wondering how he is going to embarrass himself that day. He wonders what is wrong with him. What’s wrong with him that no one invites him out anywhere?What’s wrong with him that he just sits in his room all day and doesn’t receive a message from anybody? What’s wrong with him that the person he wants to be with sees a ghost, knowing a person is there but not what the person is like inside?

He wonders if people judge him as bad as he thinks they do.

He wonders why he feels tortured.

He wonders why he feels alone.

He wonders why him.

Why him?

He feels like he’s done with it all. He feels like if he disappeared no one would notice. He feels like ending it all in one simple minute. He feels like no one would care.

Except many would care.

It turns out that those he thought didn’t care, care deeply. Customers are disappointed when they don’t see him at work. Those who talk about him only speak good things. His effort, his work ethic, his personality, his manners, the list goes on. Sure he becomes clumsy once in awhile. He’’l not be paying attention and trip on a crack in the sidewalk, he may misjudge a step and trip going up the stairs, but no matter how blue things become, he somehow, someway, always recovers. He doesn’t get invited out anywhere because his friends respect his morals and his values. The activities he would be participating in would be against his code, which his friends understand and respect. They don’t know why he has certain stances on certain subjects, but the respect his opinions and his stances.

Above all, he isn’t where he feels. In reality, he’s at the top, not the bottom.

However, he needs reassurance. He needs to be constantly told his friends are there for him. He needs to be told he’s done a great job and his superiors admire his effort. In a world where he feels he’s alone, he’s everything but.

But he needs the reassurance. His anxiety’s cure requires attention, and one person could help him through all of it. She doesn’t know it yet, but she is the answer to his prayers.

A Needle in the Haystack

What is this thing we call life nowadays? One day it seems like it can’t get any better, the next its a daze. Were we all meant to live life this way? To go to work, pay rent, and eventually decay?

Our bodies begin to die at the age of twenty. By then most of us haven’t had the opportunity to make any money. Lung capacity decreases, brain waves waver. But all of this is what makes life that much more important to savor.

It may not seem like it, but we are here for a reason. We are here to make a difference season after season. We are here to leave are marks on the world for years to come. Our bodies may die, but our legacy will live on.

Life will never be how you set it out to be. So take your chances to be young, and wild, and free. And if you want to play it safe, thats okay too. No one is forcing you to participate in stuff you don’t want to do.

What’s amazing is that we are all so caught up in our problems, we only see the world in darkness. Take a look around you and turn up the brightness. If you’re in college, you’re getting an education. You’re getting ready to leave your mark on the world with your own sensation. And if you’re at work today that’s okay. Remember there is no such thing as too much money.

If you’re with someone you love that you know you want to marry, that’s great! Get out there and start a family. And if you are alone or single at the moment, cheer up, be happy, be yourself, and own it. The right person will eventually come along. So keep your head up, follow your dreams and be strong.

In life, there is so little to lose, yet so much to gain. We live in a world where if something doesn’t go our way we feel pain. It’s okay to hurt for a little bit, thats how we heal. But staying down at the mercy of adversity will not change how we feel. Battles are going to be won, some will be lost. Just don’t let anything succumb you to the ultimate cost.We are going to be tested, get knocked down, get beat up, but the key to success is perseverance. Nothing is as difficult as it’s appearance.

Never judge that book by its cover. This challenge I assign to you won’t be like any other. Go out of your way to make someone’s day. Show somebody the blue in the sky instead of the cloudy grey. Help bring people together and help each other achieve our dream. Help somebody study, or just buy them ice cream. Whether its a stranger or a friend, a relative or a preacher, become a person who has an attractive feature. Go out of your way to make someones day, I promise you one day, you will be repaid.

A New Chapter in an Old Book

So here I am, writing another late night post. Nothing new, I’m up at 3 am and can’t sleep.

I’ve found myself to be very unhappy with my life as of late. I’ve felt alone, paranoid that I’m a thorn in everybody’s side, kind of wondering if I deserve to be here, thinking to myself if anyone wants me here in the first place.

I’ve been on a dark path for most of my “adult life”, by adult life I mean my teenage years and after.

I have a rare soul, and I’ve been on a road not many people have traveled. My parents were divorced on my thirteenth birthday. My mother abused me psychologically (unknowingly) with her alcoholism. I spent many of my teenage years acting years older than I was. So as you can tell, my home life wasn’t the greatest. If it wasn’t for my little sister, I don’t know if I would of survived it.

Then of course we have what almost every teenager has. The first love, or what most of us call, the first broken heart. What sucks about what happened to me is that it could have been taken right out of movie. We dated for five years, then all of the sudden they left and started dating the person they told me not to worry about a day later.

Basically comes out of any teen drama show or movie.

Only problem is this was the first root into me developing my anxiety.

Coming to college, I wanted to get away from my home and start fresh. I wanted to go to a place that no one knew who I was, what my past was like, or anything. I wanted a fresh start. Unfortunately, you can’t run away from the past, and I found that out the hard way.

I live in a world of constant paranoia because of my past. I’m not the best socially, actually I’m terrible in social situations. My self confidence has been at an all time low. When I’m sitting my myself in a public place and I see people near me laughing, I have that voice in the back of my head constantly telling me they are laughing at me.

It’s safe to say my past broke me. What it did not do is shatter me.

I still have an opportunity to put together all the broken pieces. I still have the chance to put my life together.

Despite all that I’ve gone through, despite all that has happened, I’ve still been able to put myself in a place that I can succeed in the future.

It’s not over until you say it’s over.

It’s never to late to write a new chapter in an old book.

To the Girl Who Doesn’t Know…

I want you to know that your well being is more important to me than mine.f00ef2f736185dbd939e8eeefa5993f2

I want you to know how much our small conversations mean.9780b1eb8cb3db25f3eb095c64c68d68

I want you to know you are much more to me than who you think you are.images

I want you to know how much I care for you.28920-You-Have-No-Idea-How-Much-I-Care-About-You

I want you to know that if you are having a bad day, I want to make it better. 5b2908d5183991b15d519c077ef063bf

I want you to know that I understand you in ways you didn’t think were possible.309a27853e20acd0643f11ac1eaf4ecc.jpg

I want you to know that you are the most beautiful  woman on the planet, inside and out.you-are-the-most-beautiful-woman-ever

I want you to know that when you think you have nobody, you have me.c8a49943420e1becfa270c45d561178f

I want you to know that I will never give up on you.2d5f70b220566e786f079782bb359faa

I want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I don’t want you to go.

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I want you to know everything , every secret, every fact about me.

I want you to know you can be the key to my lock.

I want you to know that I want to be the key to your lock

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I want you to know how your eyes remind me of the ocean at sunset.e6bcaef8df84721684482ff1e4ca05c4

I want you to know you never have to feel alone again.

I want you to know that WE never have to feel alone again.

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Crossroads

Everyone has a story, but his is personal

So let me break it down for you here’s the tutorial

On the outside he’s sweet, thoughtful, and caring

On the inside he’s cold, tortured, and daring

People say he sees everything towards the light

The sun, the moon, the stars all bright

In reality he sees the darkness of everyday life

Cutting the joy out of the world with a knife

He used to be happy with life to look forward to

Now his past has left him beat up, black, and blue

People say they are there for him through thick and thin

Everyday he watches those people go gone with the wind

His blood is now boiling wanting the answers

To why he’s a minor in a field full of majors

His decision has come, he must stay or he must go

He must make the decision at the crossroads

To head left to the darkness or right to the light

Either way, he has one hell of a fight

The anger has boiled his blue eyes have turned black

He decided to go left, without looking back